Adoption - A Light in a Dark Place

Adopting from Haiti is not the walk down the flower lined path under the large shady oak trees, with a bright sun to help guide the path while birds sing in the air and deer scramble away just out of sight, that I envisioned.  No, it’s more like a walk down a forgotten path where the vines are all overgown and spider webs attach their sticky nastiness to your face and hair while you attempt to dodge the hissing snake at your feet as the clouds roll in and lighting begins to strike all around you.  And while there will be some at the finish line cheering you on, surprisingly there are many more standing around along the way pointing out how hard it is, how costly, asking if its worth it or why anyone should do this for kids of another race while throwing guilt trips out there for choosing to fundraise to bring your family together while they eagerly support fundraisers for sports and clubs. 

So, in case you didn’t quite get what I was saying: ADOPTING FROM HAITI IS HARD!  

What makes it harder is when we miss being able to see the good in the middle of the chaos.  When we start only seeing the negative… the mistakes… the lost time… the misunderstandings and miscommunication… we start to really doubt the process and the people behind it. (Points finger to self and not you because I’m sure you all are handling it much better than I.)  I’m not saying we should ignore all the frustrating things or serious issues that need to be addressed but we can’t let it consume us or become the “goggles of hopelessness” we slip on every morning as we roll out of bed.  It's hard to navigate through the information available out there for adopting parents as what we now find online is both encouraging and daunting. Some stories continuously ignite a passion in us to keep going and not just give up while others cast doubt on the legitimacy of international adoptions as a whole or the motivations of those involved. 

Being able to be a part of a team of people with an adoption agency working to help bring other people’s kids home and also a FB group of now almost 800 adopting families in addition to being in the middle of my own adoption has been one of the most emotional seasons of my life.  I have felt joy that brought me to flowing tears as I celebrated homecomings of children to families that I’ve never met.  I’ve also wept with deep sorrow, grieving with families whose kids were lost to illnesses that quite often may have been preventable in the US had only the process been different/faster/better.

So in this already emotionally filled journey we all purposely chose to embark upon, I want to take time to just recognize someone who I’ve watched tirelessly GIVE to adoptions and to helping others adopt. It's rare that you meet someone in life that shares many of the same passions and dreams you have and even rarer that you have the opportunity to become their friend and be a part of making passionate dreams become a reality for adopting families and the kids who so desperately want to be a part of one. In 2011 I heard of someone who had adopted 7 kids in her 20's and was involved in helping facilitate adoptions in Haiti. Dreams I'd had in my own heart yet unable or unwilling to fulfill and what excuse did I have except just not trusting that God puts passion in us to drive us to action. Heather Elyse is the perfect example of my personal life quote that, "Passionate people inspire people". In the last year and a half I not only had the opportunity to meet her and start working along side her but have become her friend. She has not only inspired me to do more but has provided opportunities for me to watch my dreams unfold into realities. Sadly, I've watched her heart break recently as people have attacked her work with Haiti adoptions.  

As I read this quote from Mother Teresa I am often reminded of Heather:

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

I have never been one to really be feisty, protective or aggressive about defending myself but when it comes to my friends and family I have some fight reserved for them.  Because this journey is hard enough in itself, I have to believe and hold on to the good I see and know in the adoption process. I don’t understand why people try to hurt others but we are a peculiar people.  We did it to Jesus, why should we be exempt from it.  So I want to share some amazing examples of how someone is doing right and good within the adoption world since we seem to hear so much negative lately.  

 “If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.”

There’s "Shasta Grimes" kind… and then there’s “Heather Elyse” kind.  I met my friend Kim J. about 3 years ago when she went to visit her kids at the same orphanage my kids live at.  I watched them work with a women who claimed to be related to the President and could do her adoption.  I knew nothing of adoptions then so everything she said sounded legit to me.  Tens of thousands of dollars later she left a messy pile of unfinished papers that were not legal or submission worthy.  Heartbroken they found an agency who agreed to help them and they handed over their pile of “wanna-be dossiers” and their last bit of adoption funds with hope this agency would help them.  Months passed with no word and no progress. My heart hurt for them but I didn’t know what to do to help.  On a trip to the orphanage in Nov. 2011, I met Heather to find out more about how she could help several of us with our adoptions and my “kind” heart shared Kim’s story.  Heather’s “kind” heart took her case and after hearing of their $40k loss so far, she offered to do the adoption for FREE and has.  Kim’s not the only one she’s helped like this yet people have accused her of being “kind” for personal gain.  So far the families helped are the only ones gaining from this.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

It’s easy in a country like Haiti to be taken advantage of, not because everyone is bad or corrupt but because a lot of people are and a lot of corruption is a way of life and not even always seen as corruption.  I don’t know that I’ve met many people who have spent a significant amount of time on the ground working directly with Haitians that hasn’t been “cheated”.  I’ve seen Heather be cheated out of money and I’ve seen her be cheated out of joy and happiness because she honestly shared from her heart. 

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

It’s hard to imagine happiness in a family of 7 children with more on the way, especially if they were all adopted by a young single woman, yet this is a family that glows and their joy is contagious.  How or why people would ever speak against this is beyond me…. Especially when there are people who have never taken in a foster child or adopted themselves.  I’ve never understood why people try to steal others joy and happiness when they are doing more, giving more, serving more, sacrificing more, loving more and being more than a majority of us

 The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

We (Heather, her staff, her adopting families) have been celebrating a lot lately with families that have taken that final flight across the Atlantic and with others taking that first flight in with their dossiers and dreams , yet it seems that in the midst of our dancing and shouting people forget that we are celebrating,.  They forget the work it took to get there, the checks and balances and clearance that she received, having those adoptions approved by 2 sets of government. People question the good that was done today as if they just forgot that completed adoptions are validations of a job well done. 

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

I watched Heather one night as she struggled to sleep, moaning in pain yet her thoughts were not on herself but on the kids at the crèche who could possibly have what she had and get sick.  In the morning she refused medical attention because she wanted to be sure the focus was on making sure they were healthy.  She ended up having to be escorted out of Haiti and into a hospital for weeks and yet people still found room to complain that she wasn’t doing enough for them. 

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

And while this is true, I have seen a mourning heart in Heather as she tries to give, as she tries to serve God and do what He has called her to do and yet people try to stop her, they attack her work, her character, her motivations… they attack it all.  It hurts my heart, especially when many people are simply repeating or reposting what they’ve heard and they’ve never taken the time to talk to, meet or ask questions for the answers you seek.

Every person in this world, including the Perfect Messiah and a humble Mother Teresa, , have had their critics.  The journey of life is hard.  The path of adoption is a choice that makes it even more so.  My hope and prayer is that we all learn to take time to see some good and to value those who are on the ground or in the offices sacrificing their time and energy to help our adoptions become a reality.  Remember to pray for them, encourage them and support them.  For the most part these people care deeply about your kids and their future families.  And if you have concerns or issues, communicate them so they can be addressed and the focus can be on the children and their needs.  Praying for a positively change in the future.   

I want to encourage you if you are on an adoption journey or through one or even considering starting one, to remember that a light shines the brightest in the darkest places.  There are parts of this journey that are dark and some people purposely try to keep it that way but there are those who are willing to walk into that darkness with a torch of light to help guide and lead you through.  Just because those people are in the dark doesn't mean they are a part of the dark.  There is good to be found and in the end as you look into your child's eyes in an embrace in your own home I want you to be able to see the spark of light that got you there and not the darkness and pain that tried to hold you back.  Thank you Heather for being that light to so many!

Code of Ethics in International Adoptions

For my BA I studied Educational Interpreting for the Deaf along with International Studies.  Yes, two completely different things but I had a passion for sign language and for working with orphans and those in need internationally.  Many classes and hours in my interpreting program were devoted to learning, understanding and deciphering case studies for the “Interpreter Code of Ethics”.   Sometimes the scenarios were pretty straightforward and quite easily fit into one of the “laws” we were supposed to follow.  Other times the situation really required knowing more background than we had or choosing which law needed to be adhered to more than the others.  It wasn’t always so easy to just say, “Oh, do this and everything will be fine” but it sure did help to have the laws in place as a guide and to have had the guidance of “working through” multiple case studies both real and imagined.

As we dive into the world of ethical adoptions, there are some guidelines for adoptions (Hague) but I haven’t really found a code of ethics for orphanages, agency directors, adoptive parents and all others involved in international orphan care, child placements or adoptions.  I am still pretty new to this “world” but it seems that many people involved in some way with adoptions are, including myself, just determining what we think is ethical based on our own personal experiences.  Usually a “Codes of Ethics” is created by a team of people directly involved in the situations and are not usually put in place by a group with all the same experiences or perspectives so that every angle can be equally represented and addressed.  I’m currently searching for one that has been created but haven’t really found anything.  I hope to help develop or be on a team of people that want to begin tackling this so that it can be easier to make those hard decisions based on proven success and not just personal emotions.

There is a lot of both good and heated discussion right now about reunification, preserving first families and about “red flags” with adoption agencies and in adoptions in general but who has or is setting this standard of ethical rules or laws to be followed in order to ensure that decisions are based on sound evidence and not personal opinions, feelings or experiences?  Who is determining whose rights are more valuable, a child or bio family, and if equally valuable who “wins”?  Just because a bio parent has a “right” to their bio child it doesn’t mean that child will be safe in that environment. In the US, DNA does not constitute automatic rights to a child when that parent has previously abandoned the child so I have to question why it should be like that in Haiti or other countries.  Just because a parent wants a child back after abandonment doesn’t mean they are a safe option or the best option.  It’s a very difficult job to try to determine what is the “right” thing to do is, especially when the “right” thing isn’t the best thing.  Sometimes those making the decisions have to figure out if what is “right/ethical/legal” by some is the ultimate “right” thing for the child. That's very hard for someone (ME!!!) to understand when I see the pain, feel the pain and bleeds empathy for children.  Those who see the pain, feel the pain and bleed empathy for first families don't understand why we would see things the way we do.

I think this is where the disconnect is with the “adoption ethics” discussion going on.  What I view as an ethical and best choice for a child based on the work I’ve done and from what I know from my own personal experiences in life and in Haiti may not be what someone else thinks is the most ethical and best choice based on what they have seen and experienced. 

Let’s take a case study and see what you would do if you had to make this decision.  This is a true story that someone just shared.  Stories like this is what orphanage director’s face every day: 

            “…..spending time with a very young, emotional birthmother with a 3rd grade education. She can't send her child to school or feed him, let alone take him to a doctor. She dumped him in an orphanage 4 years ago and never visited him, but now she feels that she won't have anyone to take care of her when she is old and wants him to come home with her. As a creche, we are 100% supportive of her decision and have returned the child to her (even though he is at the end of his adoption process) but it is my job to counsel her so that she truly makes the best decision for both her son and for her.”

So from my perspective (which is limited) I see a crèche that is so concerned with the bio parent’s “rights” that they sent a child back not knowing if he will even survive to adulthood because of lack of food, education and medical care, to a mom who has so little to no concern or love for her child that she could go 4 years without ever going to see him and is instead only concerned about her own future and needs.  However, if they didn’t send him back they would be (and I’ve seen this happen to others) accused of trafficking for keeping this child from his bio mom.  My heart ACHES for this child who is being kept from a loving adoptive family so he can sit around 40-50 years and take care of a mom that didn’t bother to visit him for 4 years and only came back to meet her own needs, not the needs of her son.  I say that because that is what “I” see in this situation.  Those working with bio parents daily see this as a success story for first families.  Are they wrong?  Not if the right support and system is in place and if that child will better off and they can find a way to help them become the family they haven't been so far.  Am I wrong for hurting for that child and for feeling like he’s going to miss out on a family and real love so he can be around later in life for a "mom" that abandoned him?  I don’t think I am and I don’t think that makes me unethical or against helping first families.  Even the Hague Convention states in their preamble, “ Recognizing that the child….should grow up in a family environment, in an atmosphere of happiness, love and understanding” and I’m not sure from what I see of this that this child is or will get that.  Now, I can’t accuse or judge this crèche because there may be more to this story, I haven’t talked to anyone directly and unless I know more I can’t say if it’s more ethical to allow that child to continue in an adoption or go back to the family (and I sure as heck am not happy with all the accusations I see going against crèches/orphanages/agencies when most who are making those accusations or reposting them have NOT made an attempt to call/contact/verify/ask questions themselves). 

It is not easy for directors to make these decisions and it’s not fair to accuse people of trafficking when they choose not to return kids in certain situations when each story is so deep and personal and different.  It’s not fair to think I’m against first families because I’m asking questions to protect the children.  It’s not fair for me or others to do the same to those who are fighting for the rights of the bio families.  We all have our calling and passion but it’s how we approach these issues that will, and currently are, dividing so less can be accomplished in the big picture or uniting so we can work together to make better decisions across the board and help others who don’t know better to make better decisions too.

So these are the questions I have before I would be able to say that I agree with just 100% giving a child back because a mom wants him back: What program or monitoring does your Orphanage or organization have in place to make sure this child that was put in their care will be going back into a safe environment? I understand counseling to make sure she understands her actions and that is great but you are sending a child back into a home where the sole reasoning for keeping him is for elder care so between now and then will that child survive with no food, possibly no emotional connection to a mom that just wants him as a resource many years from now. I promise I am asking with a heart of compassion as I struggle with who is making these decisions and how it seems that just because the bio mom is there that its 100% "give the child back". Who is protecting a child when they leave an orphanage under these circumstances or is it no ones responsibility if they aren't in an orphanage or crèche any more? My bio mom wanted me back too but she didn't earn that right back. In the US just because a bio mom wants their kid doesn't mean they love that child or will care for or protect them or have the ability to. As programs begin to be developed to help in situations like this I just want to know what is working or what people are doing now.... If anything more than just giving kids back.

By asking these questions I am no more against reunification and keeping first families together than those who are asking question about ethical adoptions are against adoptions.  Just as they want to know the answers and just as they want to raise all the “red flags” to help educate those on this journey, I too, just want to be sure that we aren’t rushing into decisions for the future of children based on some feelings or personal experiences.  Just as children going back to bio parents thrive, there are those that die. Let's build communities instead of more orphanages.  Let's put those monthly sponsorships in the hands of families that are willing to keep their kids and take on a foster child or two.  It's easy to say these things and a lot harder to implement.

I do not claim to have all the answers and I try not to complain about things unless I have a solution.  I have yet to find a model of orphan care or family preservation anywhere in the world that is absolute so there are definitely things we could be doing better.  I hope these discussions will help us to not just rush to judgments and draw our swords against agencies and families who are putting their money into adoptions right now instead of funding preservation programs,  but will open the door for discussions that will lead to action. 

Remember – Thoughts become words, words become actions, action become habit and habits become your destiny. 

What you think on, blog on, and talk about will lead you in a certain direction.  Don’t just believe what you read online. Take time to ask the questions, seek the truth, and invest in the future of the programs if you are able, have the concerns, the passion and the willingness to work together for the big picture in international adoptions and the “orphan crisis”.  Do not fear the questions you have to ask as parents and do not fear the questions you get as directors and agencies.  I hope a year from now we can look back at all these blogs and discussions as the thoughts many of us have now are turning to words that will soon become our actions and lead to a new destiny for many families, both first and adopted, for the future of so many “orphaned” children around the world.

So, if you were helping create a "Code of Ethics" what would you want included?  

Part 2 is coming and will focus on: program ideas to help facilitate reunification, keep kids from entering orphanages and re-educate those investing in "orphan care" now so they can begin changing their model of "help" in addition to working alongside adoptive parents, agencies and others invested in adoptions to make sure there are more consistent and clear ethical practices and more communication between everyone invested in the big picture. 

To know or not to know, that is the question....

For those of you reading this and involved in Haiti adoptions - unless you are still processing an independent adoption (which are no longer allowed), you are currently with an agency or looking to connect to one so this question is really for you.

When it comes to Haiti adoptions, that phrase could really be applied in a lot of areas, however, I want to talk about how different Haiti adoptions are compared with most other countries and how knowing every detailed step of the process is not always the best thing.  Had I heard that even a few weeks ago I think I would have disagreed. As I always say with Haiti, nothing is always 100% for every one and every situation, but for me I am seeing more an more why "knowing less can relieve stress!"

As I've talked to families adopting from Haiti who have also adopted from other countries I have learned how vastly different Haiti is set up when it comes to adoptions.  Most countries do not have an atmosphere of "hands on" adoptions.  All countries with really good systems in place process the adoption without parents really having much involvement other than getting an email update maybe once a month, maybe less.  Parents don't know every gory detail of the process: they just know if they are accepted and they are notified when they are needed for the final trip home.  Haiti, however, (because it does not have a "good system") has had parents doing much of the leg work for their adoptions which leads to lots of information being shared with others in the process.   Even those who are working with agencies and don't need to know every step often find it out from others.  Unlike most other countries, Haiti doesn't have a streamlined process or a set timeline.  Often agencies say "2 years" but with some families completing adoptions faster, many families want to go with those timelines and outcomes and this leads to a lot of questions and frustration. 

This leads me to the question:  To know or not to know? 

Now, I am definitely one of those hands one people that like to help and know what's going on and help others too.  I helped start a FB group in the fall of 2011 with the intention of just finding others going through the Adoption process in Haiti so we could just encourage one another.  Since then we have grown to over 700 families all in some part of the process or considering adopting from Haiti.  It has become a group of many moms and some dads encouraging and praying for each other but also a group where those involved in independent adoptions get help each step of the way and also share the information they learn as they go.  Those with agencies also share each step and also obsess and compare their timelines with the independent adoptions and those with difference agencies.  I have found myself sucked into the obsession of timelines and comparisons, frantically checking online for information I can take and imagine and dream about applying to my own timeline or adoption process.  This obsession has recently come on since exiting IBESR and it hasn't been pretty.  The sad thing is, is that I KNOW that no two timelines are the same.  I KNOW that independent vs agency adoptions very often have different timelines due to the huge amounts of work agencies have dealing with multiple families vs someone dealing with a single family.  I KNOW that "This Is Haiti" and what happens today may not happen tomorrow and what couldn't happen today could very well be allowed to happen tomorrow.  I KNOW all those things and more but my heart just wanted to obsess and in doing so I have caused my own self unnecessary grief and wasted time and energy. 

I have had to take a step back, take a breather, calm my heart, clear my head and seek God a lot in the past week.  I have had to apologize to my own agency (that I also work for) for questioning my timeline and becoming one of those parents that turned her eyes inward and began only seeing me, and MY adoption instead of focusing on my work of helping others with theirs, trusting God and trusting an agency that has recently and is currently flying kids home and completing many adoptions.  No, instead of looking at all of those positive things I started comparing myself to others... I started doubting, I started worrying about everything that could go wrong and it certainly didn't help my adoption.  It didn't help my family and it didn't help my relationship with my agency.

I've seen and dealt with a lot of scams in Haiti adoptions.  I work for a director that has spent thousands of dollars and countless hours reaching out and helping families that have been scammed in their own adoptions.  I have spent hours listening to, trying to find answers and praying for multiple families that reach out from the FB group for help.  It's hard sometimes not to think that every time something goes wrong that it's not a scam or a lie.  I read a post on FB the other night that really helped me understand that things happen to all of us in this process and that just because there is a snag, it doesn't always mean someone is lying.  One of the most trusted and longest working adoption directors posted:

We have had 3 dossiers lost at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs office since September/October. They said that they weren't there. I sent our worker every couple of weeks. Finally today, we had a special meeting with the director of legalization and lo and behold, the staff walked out of all 3 lost dossiers!!! We are praising God right now and I know 3 families who are going to be so happy too!

It's not fair that this happened to those poor families but imagine if they had taken it upon themselves to go after this director and accused her of lying. What if one of the families went to MOI and was told their dossier wasn't there and they thought their director was lying to them... possibly frauding them?  What if they started telling other families that she was a fraud and made other families start questioning everything about their process.  What if that director then had to spend all her time on rumor patrol and fixing the damage caused?

That's what knowing every little detail leads people to do.  It leads people to question everything.  Had that scenario happened in China, chances are you would never know and if you did you would probably have more faith in your agency but Haiti is different.  It's hard.  It's hard to know when to push for truth and answers and when to trust that what is going on is legit.  I think you have to do your research and know the history of your agency and director and look at their successes.  Look at the families involved and see the entire picture, not just the corner of the picture frame where you are standing.  

I think that the future will be much clearer for new adopting families.  In the past anyone and everyone has been and still is processing adoptions.  So much can and has happened under this method.  I have seen families taken for tens of thousands of dollars and never able to adopt their children.  It happens.  BUT, if you are with a legitimate agency.  If you are working with a director or a lawyer that has a history of completed adoptions and many families that are happy with their experience then hold on to that truth.  It's not bad to have information as long as that information doesn't have you.  Don't let it rule your thoughts.  If something is or does go wrong then push for answers and a solution but push WITH your director/lawyer/agency first.  

I don't claim to have all the answers but I know I have experienced and learned a lot in the past 14 years of working in Haiti and in the last 3 years in the pursuit of adopting my own kids and more recently in teaming up to work with an agency.  I know when you think you know something as a parent, in the US, reading online (including my own FB group) that it may be a completely different on the ground in Haiti. 

So, I end with this thought.  If you must know about your adoption, your timeline, your progress... then prepare your heart every day for the disappointment of watching others pass you on the race to to homecoming day.  Prepare your heart for a deadline that gets passed over and over again.  Prepare you heart to celebrate with others even though you are grieving another day away from your child(ren).  Prepare yourself you know that knowing more will probably stress you out more and knowing less will leave you with fewer questions and anxiety attacks.  I didn't prepare my heart and dove in thinking that I could handle it.... I am after all a seasoned Haiti worker! :)  Totally started drowning in what I knew and thought I knew.  Hang in there and pray, meditate, read, prepare the house and your heart for them to be home but don't get sucked in and if you do... take time to step back, look at the entire picture and reach out to your agency/director if you really have something that the above doesn't resolve.  Peace is better than panic any day!

Shasta's Testimony - My heart for Haiti and adoption

I had the opportunity to share my testimony at Pine Level United Methodist on April 24, 2013.  A lot of what I've been through and experienced had given me the heart I have for orphans, for the outcasts, for those who think they don't matter....  I've learned that it doesn't matter who you are, what you've been through, or what you've done - God will use you if you're willing to be used.

Here is the audio to my testimony tonight. 
If you can't listen to it here on your cell phone try the one at
www.shastagrimes.com



Here is the video I showed of me over the past 14 years in Haiti:

Babies in the River....

I was talking with someone the other day on a topic that has become personal.  It's not an easy topic and there are no perfect answers for it but it demands discussion and requires action:  Orphans: Family Preservation and/or Adoption.  She shared this story with me and surprisingly, though it seems to be a pretty popular parable, I had never heard it before:

"There was a small village on the edge of a river.  One day a villager took a break from harvesting food and noticed a baby floating down the river toward the village. She couldn't believe her eyes! She heard crying in the distance and looked downstream to see that two babies had already floated by the village.
"Oh, this is terrible!" A woman who had been building a campfire shouted, "Look, there are even more upstream!" Indeed, there were three more babies coming around the bend.

They quickly organized themselves to rescue the babies. Watchtowers were built on both sides of the shore and swimmers were coordinated to maintain shifts of rescue teams that maintained 24-hour surveillance of the river. Ziplines with baskets attached were stretched across the river to get even more babies to safety quickly.
The number of babies floating down the river only seemed to increase. The villagers built orphanages and they taught even more children to make blankets and they increased the amount of food they grew to keep the babies housed, warm and fed. Life in the village carried on.
Then one day at a meeting of the Village Council, a villager asked, "But where are all these babies coming from?"
"No one knows," said another villager. "But I say we organize a team to go upstream and find how who's throwing these babies in the river."
Not everyone was in agreement. "But we need people to help us pull the babies out of the river," said one villager. "That's right!" said another villager. "And who will be here to cook for them and look after them if a bunch of people go upstream?"
So one group stayed while the other went to find the cause and search for a solution.

_----------

I have found myself in a position of pulling babies out of the stream.  I encourage those who want to, to go find who is throwing babies in the river and figure out solutions before it gets to that.  I don't think they will be able to stop every baby from floating down the river to us but if they can stop some then lives will be saved and changed.  I never jumped in the river to gain attention or glory.  I didn't grow up thinking that I would be trying to rescue orphans when I was an adult but that is what God put in my path and I can't walk away from that.  It is who I am and what is in me.  I am happy to encourage and support others who are on a similar mission but a different path.  Instead of being in the water they are on the shore, going upstream to stop the tide of children being washed away.

What I never expected to encounter were people standing on the shore yelling at me that I'm doing it all wrong.  I never expected people to attack me for choosing to step in the water, instead of go upstream, as those children drowned.  I didn't know I would be persecuted and told that I was part of the problem by rescuing those already in the water.  Part of me wants to yell back to these groups that are picketing my wet, mucky work and say, "Hey... why are you wasting your time yelling at me?  Take all that energy, go upstream and do something there.  I can't be there and be here so go if that's what you want."  As I search more into adoption, ethics, family preservation, the orphan crisis and so forth I am shocked at how often adoptive parents are told they are the problem and that Christians are fueling the problem.

You've never had that experience or heard of people saying that?  This is just one of many articles on the issue:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jillfilipovic/why-evangelical-christians-love-adopting-kids

I don't pretend to have the answers but I will say that I see way too much dissension in the adoption world and I just wish we could work together.  Adoptive parents are not the enemy.  They may not be educated or know there are ethical issues in adoptions.  I didn't know that until I started on my own journey but I will not spend my time and energy bashing and degrading those who didn't or don't know better.  Instead I will do my part to walk along side and educate these parents.  I will search for truth in between pulling kids out of the water.  I will send my support and encouragement to those who are not pulling out babies but searching for solutions upstream and I will not bash them for their efforts.  We are all in this together and the results in the adoption world and with the "orphan crisis" might be a lot better if we actually learned how to do this.

Changing the future of Orphanages

What if we could redefine orphan care and the future of institutionalized orphans?  What if we could keep families together and provide permanent families for children and foster homes for those awaiting adoption?  We can but it's going to take time, dedication, education and organizations willing to collaborate and cooperate with each other.  One of the biggest issues in ministry is the unwillingness for ministries to work together for the bigger picture out of fear that they may lose funding or recognition to another name they are helping.  We need to get over that... that discussion is for another day though.

What does orphan care currently look like?  It looks like big, concrete buildings with many bunk beds to a room and workers that take care of the children's needs but do not take the place of a mom and dad.  It often does not recreate a family structure and many times kids never get to experience the same life a child with a family would.  There are those that would argue that a nicely run orphanage isn't so bad if they are fed, clean, taken care of and given some love from those who work there.  To that I say, "Go ahead then, send your child off.  It's not that bad, right?  It would be just as good as living with you".  I'm sure you would never do that because you know in your heart it's not the same.  Nothing can take the place of the love and acceptance of parents and being a part of a family.  The spectrum of care in orphanages ranges from filthy with little to no affection to immaculate with lots of love and attention but in the end, children still long to be wanted and to have a family of their own.

So how can we change that?  There are hundreds of thousands of orphans in Haiti.  Every day hundreds of mission teams fly to Haiti for a variety of reasons and you will almost always meet a team on their way to do some type of orphan care, almost always with an orphanage or with the goal of building an orphanage.  I've read a few blogs that are completely against this type of mentality when going to Haiti and at first I thought that was a little harsh but I get where they are coming from.  So my goal is to find a way to start getting these new ideas out and educating churches, Christians, mission organizations so that there can be a new trend when going to Haiti.  Instead of going to build an orphanage or help the orphans, what if the new mission was to help families stay together or help kids find families.  What if we could change the face of Haiti from being a country of orphans to a country of families?  I know, I'm a dreamer and I dream big but it could happen and you could help it happen.

Imagine instead of building an orphanage you built a neighborhood.  What if a big concrete building you build several homes or an apartment type complex or duplexes?  What if when a mom came to you and wanted to give her child up because she had 2 other kids and she couldn't afford to feed them all and the baby would starve, instead of taking that baby and raising it, you took the family in and provided for them.  Whoa, now instead of 1 mouth, you have to feed 4?  How is that feasible?  Well, you provide her shelter and food and ask her to take in 1 more child whose parents died from cholera.  Then you give her a job in the neighborhood to help with the food and shelter she's getting and give her a small salary. So now your ministry has kept a family together, provided housing, given a child a family setting (possibly a forever family) and given the mom a job.  Or, you could just have your orphanage with another child without a family. 

But you already have an orphanage building?  Okay, so do some remodeling.  Or start with foster care.  If you've been in an area for any length of time, hopefully you've made friends with the community around you.  If so, start reaching out to the families you know are strong and ask them to take in one of the kids in your orphanage.  Offer them support with the food and schooling.  Provide free education or skills courses for parents willing to foster.  Invest in those parents and in others who are interested. 

Know someone who works in Haiti with orphanages?  Talk to them about the future of their orphanage and if they want to do more to help families.  Talk to your church or ministry who wants to go build another orphanage and think about putting kids in a place where they may never get to be with a family again or think about ways you can connect these orphans with families.  International adoption is not an option for most of the orphans in Haiti, even the true orphans.  The system, the quota, the sheer number of orphans to the number of adopting parents makes it an impossible goal to reach of getting every orphaned child into a home overseas, however, we can get them homes and families. 

Some have argued the church will never go for this because "Orphan" care and "orphanages" conjure up much more financial giving than "family restoration" or "building neighborhoods/communities".  I hope they are wrong.  I hope that Christian churches can let go of some of the stereotype behaviors and show that in the end the goal is for children to know the love of a forever family, even if it means doing something different, "unconventional" and something that is not traditional.

If you are interested in getting involved with organizations on the ground that are moving in this direction let me know and I can connect you with them.  If you are interested in helping your current ministry in Haiti transition from the traditional orphanage to a family based mission, let me know and I will work with you to develop a strategic plan to help move you in the right direction.  If you want to help change the future of orphan care in Haiti, help get the word out. Share this idea, these concepts and the new vision of change for the future of Haiti's most precious asset... their children.

Humbled....

There was a time in my life when I thought no one loved or cared about me and my thoughts were often about pain and suicide .  My reality was really warped but it was my reality and the feeling of loneliness was so painfully real.  I've come a long way since then and every day I am amazed at the OVERWHELMING outpouring of love and support I have in my life... a life in which I thought was worthless and would be off not lived.

I have always tried to be the giver in all my relationships and in life in general. Asking for help for our adoption has been very humbling and difficult (which I know is hard to believe as much as I'm on here fundraising but it's true... I HATE it).  While it's been hard to ask for help I've had people reach out and support us because at some point I helped them, and that is special to me.  Even more humbling and touching are the people that have come out to support and help that I haven't seen in years.... or people I barely know.... or people who have little to give but give all they can.  Most of them don't want to be recognized but they know who they are and I want them to know how very much it means to me.  What may seem like a small gift of time or donations is worth more than I can express.  You are helping bring my kids home to a family they have longed for their entire life. 

It's definitely crazy going from feeling like no one likes you or wants you to knowing that many people love and accept you and more than that, they believe in you and your dreams. I wish I could help transform every orphaned heart into being able to feel that change. 

No child should be without a family and while my heart aches daily for the orphans of the world, the pain I feel being separated from my kids is almost too much to bear some days.

Thank you to everyone who has helped us.  Seems so insignificant to just say Thank You but know it's such a deep, sincere, heartfelt, tear-filled eyes, THANK YOU!